Disclaimer:The following is a satirical examination of fictitious events. Some readers may not share this sense of humour.
Additional Disclaimer: The following was made possible by a grant from The Lesbian Herstory Archives.
Gertrude and Alice. Siegfried and Roy. Bert and Ernie. Every once in a while, a high-profile relationship gets so gay it becomes imperative the social chroniclers of the era document it for future generations or risk losing another culturally significant event to the 404 Error Page Of Time. So hold on to your hats, iron your socks, and save to this location, because history just got a little gayer.
Sept 13th, Landmark Theaters. Trying to find seats together at the midnight screening of Switchblade Sisters.
1. Don't be afraid to put your hand on her waist. Even though this will make you gay forever.
2. GAY! FOREVER!
3. Don't wear a see-through turtleneck on your first date if you want there to be a second.
4. Don't save the dress you wore in a high school production of Streetcar in a box at the back of your closet for eleven years and then ironically wear it to the movies with your teenage girlfriend who tried to order a diet Fresca at the concession stand which is really not scoring her any points, especially after that whole thing with the parking meter.
5.Eventually, your relationship will stop looking like an awkward prom picture.
Sept 16th. The 59th Primetime
Something happened that night at the Emmys. Maybe it was the godawful banter. Maybe it was the atrocious circular seating arrangment. Or maybe it was the hilarious cosmetological choices, but somewhere between Sandra Oh not winning an Emmy and Edie Falco not winning an Emmy, Hayden and Kristen fell in everlasting, undying love eternal. Unfortunate seat 30 occupant Tim Kring burst into flames shortly thereafter and was rushed to the Emmy Dehydration/Exhaustion Room for mending. He was released on Nov. 1st.
Oct 1st. Fruit Roll-Ups Chewy Bluey Launch Party & Salad Wrestling Tournament.
BLITZER:So, what am I looking at here?
AMANPOUR: Wolf, I think what these pictures illustrate is a very clear desire on Panettiere's part to temporarily impair Bell's cognitive abilities.
BLITZER: Could you explain that for our audience at home?
AMANPOUR: She's trying to make Bell cream herself, Wolf. Shall I draw you a picture?
BLITZER: We've been getting conflicting reports on this all day. Some people are claiming that Panettiere's thumb is rubbing the back of Bell's neck in a circular motion, while others insist the rubbing is strictly vertical, plus she's doing this little scraping thing with her nail. What's really going on down there?
AMANPOUR: New reports coming in from the field confirm that vertical is indeed correct. I can also now confirm that Bell is putting approximately twenty pounds of pressure on her elbow.
BLITZER: Did you just refer to a Salad Wrestling Tournament as "the field"?
AMANPOUR: Bitch, which one of us has a CBE? Sit the hell down.
BLITZER: Christiane, I see Jack Coleman is in this shot, did you have a chance to speak with him about the situation?
AMANPOUR: I did Wolf. He's 100% supportive of the Bell-Panettiere alliance, and has issued the following statement: "With this historic union, I am not losing a fictional daughter, but rather, gaining a fictional daughter who just happens to really like touching the original daughter."
BLITZER: Strong words from a strong man.
BLITZER: Now, I understand this is a rather controversial picture.
AMANPOUR: Yes. Contrary to what you may have heard on other, lesser networks, this is how Bell has been getting the mascara in her ears.
BLITZER: The rumours stop here. CNN. The Most Trusted Name in News.
AMANPOUR: Wolf, I'm being told that Masi Oka has just updated his blog, which is written entirely in binary code, with an inside look at what the hell is going on in this shot. It reads:
"You know, I don't want to be with someone who is shallow enough to favor the company of a 18 year-old wearing too much foundation over someone who GOT ON THE COVER OF TIME FOR BEING A SUPERGENIUS. And what kind of insecure pervert goes out with a teenager anyway? I couldn't be happier that I'm not with someone who wouldn't even be able to walk across a room to get napkins without bidding me a teary farewell and pawing my face. I mean, how co-dependent can you get? I don't need a woman with that kind of damage. Oh, who am I kidding? I am SO jealous. DAMN YOU HAYDEN! DAMN YOU TO HELL! "
BLITZER: Hmm, Masi's not taking this very well.
AMANPOUR: The Alliance has not been met with universal acceptance. There are still some pockets of resistance, he and Dania being the most vocal.
Oct 7th, Oil Stain Avenue, Coyote Bones Valley. Jogging into a brand-new sexual identity.
Dear Coerced In California, remember how last week I told Isolated In Iceland that relationships take work? You think I wrote that because I like to see how the words look on the page? Well, I don't. Pay attention, goddammmit. Now, if you really care about this person, you have to be willing to make some sacrifices. And if that means completely fucking up your sleep cycle just so you can go jogging with your partner on a deserted stretch of highway at two o'clock in the morning, well, so be it. And regarding your main concern; if your partner continues to withhold sex until you give in and accompany her, my professional advice to you is to suck it up, wrap yourself in reflective tape, and JOG IT OUT.
Oct 9th. A romantic evening at Chez Benatar ruined forever by the harsh, unblinking eye of a Canon EOS-D1 Mark III. Note the extreme possessiveness of Ms. Bell's posture, perhaps most commonly seen among inmates and their bitches and/or cigarettes. The exact location of Hayden's hand remains under debate.
"Ms Bell, could you please explain to the court exactly what happened on the night of October 9th?"
"Some guy was invading my privacy, and then he wasn't."
"I believe your exact words to the plaintiff were, if I may quote from your deposition, 'Hey buddy, what the fuck are you taking a picture of? Why don't you just back the fuck off with that camera, motherfucker?'"
"Yeah, I said it."
Approximately thirty seconds before exhibit B was stabbed repeatedly with exhibit A. Old-school street-greaser protective attitude is now almost visibly radiating from Bell despite femmtastic mod frock/headband combo.
"And can you tell us what happened after that?"
"He didn't listen at all. So I took the salad fork out of my purse, and threatened him with it."
"He just started taking pictures of the fork. I don't really remember the next part very clearly, I just remember one minute the fork was in the lens, and the next it was in...it was in...him." (buries face in hands)
"I love you baby!"
"Your Honor, the prosecution requests Ms Panettiere be removed from the proceedings."
Oct 13th. High noon in the parking lot of the Up Up And Away! Correctional Facility & Box Kite Manufacturing Plant. Kristen has just been released after serving her full sentence.
Face-cradling fiesta after a harrowing 85-minute jail term.
Oct. 14th, Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco. A visibly exhausted Kristen picks the nacho crumbs out of Hayden's hair while they wait for City Hall to open.
VEGETABLE FANCIER MAGAZINE: Hello, and welcome to Vegetable Fancier Magazine! Thanks for speaking with us today.
KRISTEN BELL: My pleasure. And thank you for advancing the cause of the vegetable! (laughs)
VFM: We try! Now, how big a part have vegetables played in your life?
KB: They've always been there for me in times of trial. Eggplant, cauliflower, they're like members of the family, you know?
VFM: All too well. We understand you recently got engaged. Congratulations.
VFM: Have you set a date?
KB: We'd like to, but we can't. This isn't Canada.
KB: Let's just say we're looking at a very, very long engagement. We sort of did this thing backwards. It's a long story.
VFM: Ooh tell us! We love stories.
KB: I don't normally talk about my personal life with the press.
VFM: No one's going to read this. You know what our circulation is? Twelve.
KB: That's incredible. How do you...? Okay. A little while ago, Hayden and I were celebrating my release from prison with a nice dinner at Just Condiments. As soon as we finished our Beurre D'Arachide Flambe, she got right down on one knee and proposed. I can't tell you how thrilled I was. We decided to drive up to San Francisco and get married right away. She wasn't in the best condition to drive, and the DMV forbids me to drive after the sun goes down, so I called my friend Zach and he agreed to drive us if, when we had the ceremony, he got to be both best man and flower girl.
Oct 13, Hollywood & Vine. Hayden, Kristen, and Zachary, trying not to look like the 'I Adopted A Teenage Streetwalker' episode of Oprah.
ITALIAN-AMERICAN SINGER-ACTRESS-BISEXUAL WITH AN ARREST WARRANT IN JAPAN QUARTERLY: How did you feel about Kristen promising Zach both best man and flower girl without consulting you?
HAYDEN PANETTIERE: Okay, off the record, (ed. note: IASABWAAWIJQ is journalistically opposed to off the record statements) it pissed me off because I told my niece she could be the flower girl at my wedding ages ago. But Kristen's heart was in the right place, so how could I bitch at her? That's why I've decided to do the mature thing and file this little gaffe away for fifteen years and then randomly haul it out in the middle of a fight about whose turn it is to pick the dogs up from daycare. You always want to have some ammunition up your sleeve in a relationship, as my mother always says. Now, where was I? Oh, right. So we finally get to San Francisco City Hall, go into the Office of the County Clerk, and then this little tap-water drinking nobody tells us they re-illegalized (sic) same-sex marriage in 2004. Apparently it was only allowed for six months. And then they all laughed at us. Like we're the only people to ever show up three years too late? Yeah, whatever, San Francisco.
Oct 14th. Behind the Santa Fabio 7-11 waiting for Zach to return with the snacks. Hayden amuses herself by fondling Kristen's hand and Kristen takes Zach's Culture Beat CD off the stereo.
VFM: Maybe one of you could've googled 'San Fransisco' 'gay' and 'marriage' beforehand or something.
KB: Hey, if I want to be judged, I'll go throw a brick through Lance Ito's windshield, all right? Try to see it my way; when they first made gay marriage legal, it got a ton of press, but when the decision was reversed, I don't recall hearing anything about that. And it's not like I was keeping tabs on the situation; I was straight back then. So yeah, everybody in the County Clerk's office thought we were a riot. (pauses) Before I go any further, I'd like to stress to all the people reading this that we had just spent hours and hours on the road drinking this thing Hayden invented where you mix YooHoo with Jolt and vodka, plus we hadn't slept in a couple days, so we were all pretty on edge when we walked in. That's why I completely understand Hayden doing what she did in there. Sure, I wouldn't do that stuff on government property, but I still support her right to express herself that way. And even though it wasn't easy for me and Zach to drag her back to the car, it was really touching to see how much this meant to her. I don't know if you've ever dated an Italian girl, but they're just like these big balls of emotion. Wait, don't print that.
Oct. 14th, Mission Street. Hayden enjoys a good-natured laugh as Kristen fucks up the spelling of 'unalienable' while writing the preamble to the Declaration of Independence on Hayden's back with her tongue.
IAASBWAAWIJQ: Have you taken anything away from this experience?
HP: Yeah. Now I know how poor people feel, not getting really basic stuff everybody else gets to have. Like cable. Or clean water. You know what they say about hard times making hard people? I feel that's true here. For example, before this I never would've called my parents stupid homophobic breeder swine. Even if they are. And I certainly wouldn't've screamed it. And definitely not in the middle of thanksgiving dinner. Which I regret doing, by the way. But you know, it was sort of time I moved out anyway.
December 5th, Prospect Studios. Taping the commentary for the Heroes season finale while half in the bag.
Hello, I'm Hayden Panettiere.
And I'm Kristen Bell. Today we'll be discussing the Heroes season finale, 'Four Months After One-Hundred And Twenty-Two Days Ago'. This episode kicks off in Costa Verde with the Bennets packing for another move. Speaking of which, when are you going to unpack your stuff? It's been a week already.
That's a job for my personal assistant.
You mean your brother?
I'll get him on it first thing tomorrow. After school.
Maybe you want to hire someone who isn't thirteen.
Honey, don't start.
Wow, you sounded exactly like a tv mom just now.
Like a tv mom?? Thanks a lot, dear.
I mean, I love you and I will unpack your boxes myself.
Darling. Oh, and by the way, I arranged for a feng shui audit of the house. I hope that's okay.
And here's Elle's first encounter with Sylar. I love how many conflicting emotions Zach layers into his performances.
Can you stop telling him about our sex life, by the way? You know he just turns around and tells everybody everything.
What? How do you know that?
Some wiseass left a basket full of individually gift-wrapped clothespins in my dressing room.
A whole basket? Wow, that'd really...I mean, the things you could...Say, were these clothespins wooden or plastic?
Down girl, we're still taping.
December 10th, Los Angeles Ukrainian Cultural Center. Folk dancing marathon fundraiser for the WGA Strike Fund. Approximately thirty seconds before getting it on under the borscht table.
Overheard In L.A. Refreshment Table Powow
Asian Guy With Glasses: Who's bright idea was it to let those two do the commentary for the finale?
Latina Without Glasses: Seriously. All they did was poke each other and giggle.
Caucasian Male Of Medium Build: I'm just glad they're back to normal. I thought they'd never get over the Frisco disaster.
Gay Guy With Glasses: They were out-brooding Peter for a while there. Peter.
Master Of The Brood: Hey!
Older Version Of Aforementioned Brood Master: I like how they used all your screen time to demonstrate massage techniques. That was awesome. And surprisingly informative.
Tall White Guy: I heard Standards made you cut something from that.
Sensitive Cancer Who Enjoys The Works Of Marquez: Yeah, they didn't think the Nipple Roll was a legitimate massage move.
The rights to Adrian's video of the borscht table action were auctioned off to The Sci-Fi Channel After Dark for 450,000 dollars which was given directly to members of I.A.T.S.E. living in their cars.
White Woman With Distracting Teeth: Does someone want to go over there and tell Kristen her bra is showing?
Creepy Bald Guy With Glasses: I already mentioned it. She said she wants to look sexy for her lady.
Black Woman With Distracting Eyes: Truck stop hooker sexy, or regular sexy?
Indian Guy With Distracting Hair: Don't laugh. I heard they role play hooker/john.
Sassy Blond Guy: I heard they "pay" each other with coins.
Brunette Of A Certain Age: Remember when Kristen was dancing at the Emmys and all those quarters fell out of her dress?
Blonde Of A Certain Age: Oh my god, is that what that was about?
Gay Asian Former Star Trek Cast Member Of A Certain Age: Those weren't quarters. Those were arcade tokens.
HAYDEN: i carry yr <3 w/me ( i carry it in my <3 )
KRISTEN: ee cummings. my turn: u fit in2 me/like a hook in2 an eye
HAYDEN: atwood. r u trying to tell me something?
HAYDEN: that poem is about an abusive relationship. when have i evr hurt u bb?
KRISTEN: that's not what the poem's about
HAYDEN: is 2
KRISTEN: is not
HAYDEN: i'll forgive u if u let me touch u
KRISTEN: in the <3 or in the head?
HAYDEN: idk my bff shakespeare?
Dec 25th, Pismo Beach. Hayden overshares her plans for the night ahead while Kristen debates licking her knuckles and some random beach perv looks on
From: Abigail Van Buren (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Sent: December 25, 2007 11:58:02 PM
To: Snookums (email@example.com)
Dear Frightened Fister, I hope this reaches you in time. Don't panic, you and your partner will not need surgical assistance to separate yourselves. It's well known among sex educators that orgasmic vaginal contractions can be strong enough to create an extremely powerful vacuum around the human hand. Your predicament is not as uncommon as you'd think, and luckily, the solution is a simple one. Simply run a wet finger around your wrist to break the seal and voila, you have your hand back. Now, aren't you glad you didn't call that ambulance?
January 10th. Vandalizing the Bree Van De Kamp Kitchen Set. 4:20 am. High on marker fumes. Trespassing.
COSMOPOLITAN: Before we let you go, do you have any tips for our reading audience on keeping the spark in a relationship?
Kristen Bell: You have to make time for the magic to happen. And by magic I mean sex. That's my word for it. Setting the right mood is key. First you want to lug all the paint cans out of the garage, preferably your garage, and open them around the bed. Next, pour the water out of your humidifier and replace it with Mr. Clean Multi-Surface Liquid Cleaner. I personally recommend Summer Citrus scent. Then get some duct tape and make sure your bedroom is completely airtight. Then find some permanent markers and summon your lover to lie by your side and spend some unhurried moments just basking in each other's presence and also the intoxicating blend of paint, solvent, and marker fumes. It's all about igniting the senses so you can have the best magic of your life.
COSMO: That's your advice. Huffing.
KB: Yeah. Try to get the markers that smell like fruit. You can buy them at toy stores.
COSMO: Apart from the fact that sniffing markers destroys your brain, this is Cosmo, not the zine you put out in middle-school. We provide real sex tips to real women, and that never includes inhalant abuse.
KB: Real sex tips? You mean like the waterpik/saran wrap technique you dreamed up for the October issue? Did anyone on your staff actually field test that one before you printed it? No see, I want to know because some of your more suggestible readers really do want try out all 1001 tips because they're crazy little sex pigs who won't let you get any sleep even after you explained about how older people need to rest sometimes, and then they get to the page with the waterpick deal on it, and their partners have to pretend like 'whoa, that's not ridiculous' and then they have to go out and buy themselves new waterpiks after.
COSMO: Sounds like someone didn't read our 637 tips on honest sexual communication.
KB: You owe me 45 dollars. Oh, and everybody go see Forgetting Sarah Marshall, opening April 18th at a theater near you.
Jan 30, 2008. Kristen gets the door for Hayden, racks up 10,000 boyfriend points.
JAN. 25 2008
I'M BACK, BITCHES!!!
Current mood: Is awesome a mood?
Hello MeinSpace Friends,
I'm back! Thanks for all the get well cards and flowers, everyone! And an extra special thanks to the good people at saveveronicamarsagain.net. I didn't even know Polysporin came in drums. I'm pleased to say I've made a full recovery and am feeling better than ever. Kristen can even sit on my lap again! I can tell she feels guilty about what happened because she finally installed the stupid novelty cup holder she bought at that so-called "service-station" on our way up to S.F. I keep telling her that no one is to blame here, (even though she is 49% responsible) but she's totally not buying it which sucks for me, because my natural response to her guilt is also guilt. It's like guiltapalooza in here. Fellow Catholics dating inside the faith, you know what I'm talking about. I guess the moral of the story is if you ever find yourself the passenger of someone who sucks at driving so much the DMV gave her her own personal speed limit (30 mph), whatever you do, don't do stuff to her when she's on the road. Because she will run stuff over, and then you'll have to buy the kid an even better bike than the one he had before. I'm not saying our world is a bottomless black pit of guilt, no way! Using the powerful tool, some might say powertool of acting, we're going to turn this unrelenting torrential rain of mutual flagellation into rainbows of something interesting. Just as soon as we get the outfit situation under control. I don't want to give out too many details here, but I really thought it'd be easier to find a 15th century Dominican nun habit in a size zero. Isn't this supposed to be the costuming capital of the world? What the fuck, L.A.? Anyways, I guess that's it, everything's pretty much back to normal, except for the part where I never drink a soy chai latte ever, ever again.
January 30, 1941. Going undercover as fashion forward Canadians at a fundraiser for the
Is it too much to ask that someone does a little research before playing a historical figure? I'm pretty sure Helen Mirren didn't just google Liz Windsor a couple times and wing it. When I ask my scene partner if she thinks that statue of St Dominic (Forty-five dollars at Catholic Depot) is going to polish itself, I don't want her to just start licking my rosary right there. I need her to make the scene real with me first, talk about her life in my convent and the chores she neglected to do. If I'm going to feel like Mother Superior, I need her to be able to pull off a believable Lucrezia Borgia. And that means research. You can't just jump straight to the sexing without build-up. Otherwise, why did I even buy this costume? Not to have it ripped off in two seconds, that's for sure. Now, I hate to break scene as much as the next person, but H didn't know the first thing about Lucrezia's stay in the convent. Turns out, not only didn't she read the book I got her, but she returned it for cash. Yeah. I'll just let that speak for itself. I may have overreacted when she admitted it, but it worked out because I was able to guilt her into driving to the library for research. We probably should've taken off the costumes first. I think her corset was laced a little too tight because she started getting pretty cranky after a while and left to go sulk in the car, which meant I had to carry all the books out myself. And so, because I was tired from CARRYING HER BOOKS, I may have remarked that she was the perfect person to portray history's most infamous spoiled incestuous whore. Leaving her, of course, with no option but to bonk me in the wimple with a copy of Cockblocked: How One Nun Denied Pope Secret Escape Tunnel His Daughter And Lived To Tell The Tale (409 pages hardcover, thank you very much) and turned the radio on full blast, knowing perfectly well how I feel about the radio. Needless to say, synchronized PMS is no fun, which is why I sleep on the couch three days a month.
Not even handsex could distract Hayden from the spectacle of Tallulah Bankhead stripping on a piano.
Ow! That fucking hurt! And turn that off, the static is killing my ears! That's bet- hey, what happened to all the lights?
Look what you did. You caused a blackout.
Drive, I want to see if it hit our neighborhood.
Looks like it's all over the city. Say, is it creeping you out how there aren't any other cars on the road right now?
No, what's creeping me out is the 300 foot golden statue of Tom Cruise up ahead.
Please tell me he's not doing the Top Gun pose.
Oh fuck, are we in the future?
Considering the sky appears to be on fire, I'm going to say yes.
Honey, stop the car. I have to tell you something.
Oh my god, you're going to tell me you control time, aren't you? Wait, then what was up with all those parking tickets?
No. But I think I did something to your radio when I nailed in the cup holder. Something that may have given it the ability to skate along the spacetime continuum according to the frequency setting. Sorry. Also sorry about using your serenity rock as a hammer.
Kristen gets her hair caught in her zipper, instantly becomes most pariahiest person at the party.
From the FBI's Internal Security File on Marlene Dietrich. File 65-9266, section 13 (translated out of the original binary code):
Unsure of whether or not solicitation is happening, Hayden hangs on to her property like a wallet on a crowded beach near handsy Bavarian expatriate prostitute duo, Dita and Velveetah.
THIS BRAVE NEW WORLD: 2008 Version 2.0
1. Hitler doesn't own the internet here.
2. Not at war with the other continents.
3. No mandatory military service.
4. No Death Pattern drills.
5. Cheap butter.
6. Civilians allowed to use oil.
7. National Prosthetic doesn't exist.
8. Ditto Board Of Succotash.
9. London is still standing.
10. Skateboarding is not a crime.
1. No such thing as President Streep.
2. Texas habitable.
3. Illegal to keep Canadians as pets.
4. Cars, not horses, main method of transport.
5. Cars not as cute as horses.
6. One slight modification to the design turns paisley into the Death Pattern. Tick tock.
7. I miss communism.
8. You miss communism?!
9. What? Oh, come on! You can't tell me you haven't noticed all these sick poor people lying around in the streets here. I almost had to make eye contact with one earlier! President Streep would've never let our countrymen fall like that.
10. Can you stop saying 'countrymen'? And look on the bright side, at least the borders aren't closed anymore. Now, why don't you go memorize your lines while I finish this list?
11. Can I just say that following a script is sort of taking the sexy out of role-playing for me?
12. Oh my god, you hate my writing.
13. No, no, honey, I just think spontaneity is...
14. Oh no, you've said quite enough. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit in the bathtub and cry.
15. Well excuse me for being honest, little miss hormone storm!
16. It's too late to apologize.
Would you, or perhaps that attractive feline on your lap, care for a linking banner?
The linking code. Take out the *'s.
<*A HREF="http://bartzina13.livejournal.com/26448.html"><*IMG SRC="http://i358.photobucket.com/albums/oo29/bartzina13/BANNER.png"></a>